Being Sick is a Portal

I tend to emerge transformed

“Mortality Photograph” by Esperanza Manzanera

5.27.25

Since I was a little girl, I have managed quarterly bouts of colds or flus. When I was around three, I had tubes put in my ears to make this easier on me. If I could get tubes put in my ears again, I would. (Edit: I found out you can get tubes put in your ears as an adult and am in the process of pursuing this procedure) Just about every three to six months, I get sick. Because the tubes in my ears are so small, a day cold can turn into a week of being sick because the fluid has trouble draining from my sinuses and the infection lingers or grows worse. Many colds turn to ear infections, with the worst rupturing my ear drums (an experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone). If you have ever had the extreme discomfort of hearing your own eardrum burst, we should start a club and I’m sending you love.

I have been sick for a week now with a simple cold and feel myself transforming, as I often do when my body falls ill and tells me to rest.

Last time I was this sick, I got covid in September of 2024. I was down for 10 days. There comes certain moments where you are deep in the sickness, seemingly far away from your normal life. Existential questions start to bubble up from deep within you. The illness is at its deepest part, and you are days from your normal routine, with no idea when you will return. Fever dreams seem to enter into the daylight. I tend to turn to writing. I cannot burn off my usual energy physically or with work, so I let off steam creatively or by sleeping excessively. It’s in these deep moments where I turn to myself. Looking inward and turning my consciousness to who I am at this present moment, purging what needs to be changed like blowing your nose 10,000 times and draining mucus out of your head. You are forced to sit with who you are and your current circumstances, like a 10 day meditation, with little energy to change it. And I think the point is not to change it right away, but to find a sense of inner contentment regardless of circumstances. If we are always changing our circumstances to feel better, then we are dependent on them for our mood. But if we can face something uncomfortable, even about ourselves, and find a way to be in love, compassion, grace, without making external changes, then that is the real shift that matters. It is all within anyways. It is to be in love with the being you are, flaws and all, and to be in a state of consciousness, detached acceptance, that allows you to be conscious of the choices you make, to move forward in an intentional way rather than repeating unconscious habitual thoughts and behaviors that have kept you trapped where you are.

The sickness often comes at the most inconvenient time, like Memorial Day weekend or when you have tickets to a show you’ve been looking forward to. I think this is intentional by your body to tell you to slow down and shift your priorities. To look and care internally rather than externally. I think it’s also to have a sense of abundance, to realize that there will be more fun beach weekends and more tickets to shows, especially if you take good care of yourself. Every time I get sick now, I feel as though it’s a time, a moment, a cocoon, a portal, for me to rise into the version of myself I have been wanting to be. A time to think, heal and focus upon a new future, and spring board into it. Because I am so sensitive at the times that I am sick, it gives me the opportunity to be really mindful with myself. Even bad thoughts can make me feel more sick. I start to eat better, no sugar, no alcohol. I start to watch less screen time, I want to go outside more and get fresh air. I want to clean my space up. I want to drink more water and take more vitamins. I want to read books and make art and write. I feel myself being cleansed and purged of all that is not in alignment with where I want to go, both mentally and physically. I feel myself become a different version of myself. The sickness is such a different space, both physically and mentally, that the before and after of being sick really feels distinct. I truly think it is a portal of self transformation that regularly finds me with a routine spiritual deep cleaning and reset.

Beyond the idea of sickness, there are also mysterious injuries that are more severe iterations of this same idea, ranging from fractured fingers to ten stitches in my leg. I fractured my left ring finger on January 31st of this year. Ironically, I was wearing a ring on that finger that says “love myself.” The universe is quite funny. It was at a time where I was pushing myself hard. Entering my second semester of graduate school, working at my job and on a major project, managing my first solo show ever and doing tarot markets at the same time. On February 1st, I was going to be vending at a market I really wanted to attend and had been planning on being a part of for months. On that fateful last day of January, I felt myself have a tickle in the back of my throat like I was getting sick. I said to my body, “Whether I am sick or not, I am going to that tarot market.” Not a few hours later, I smashed my finger, and was in the urgent care for hours getting x-rays and a split. I physically could not shuffle tarot cards and had to cancel. My body forced me to prioritize myself and gave me no choice. Having healed and recovered, it would have been much better to have just been sick for a few days rather than being unable to type properly on a computer and being unable to cut my food with a fork and knife for nearly three months. That was an experience that truly taught me the value of my body, of taking care of myself, of my personal value regardless of what I can do, and to listen to my damn intuition the first time (as if I haven’t heard that enough).

Most importantly, being sick and/or injured really does remind me of my worth. So often, I conflate my productivity with my value in the world. I know that this is a subconscious and even covert function of capitalism, however it is just something for me to work through personally. I also take a lot of joy in being of service, connecting with people and being able to contribute to the world. And I know myself well enough to know that I have so much passion and energy that if I’m not burning it off with work and projects that I start to cave in on myself. My attention needs to be constructively directed like a blue heeler, or else I’ll tear up the legs of the couch in my brain or chew up the running shoes left in my soul. Being sick, or getting injured, reminds me that no matter what, I am worthy and deserving of love and care, whether or not I am doing anything. Constructive rest is necessary for growth and sustainability (not doomscrolling). Just lying in a bed, being a human, is enough.

I know that this moment, being sick is a portal. This is an opportunity to reset, and emerge as a higher version of myself, with greater consciousness of who I am and where I am in my life. I have the space and awareness to take better care of myself, to be more intentional with my thoughts and actions. Maybe there isn’t some big spiritual woo-woo reason for being sick, maybe it’s just a circumstance that we all get through (hopefully). Maybe our perspectives are what define the experiences we have. Maybe being sick is just an opportunity to have a movie marathon and check out for a bit. Maybe they can be both :) But at least in the way I experience it, those moments are for going deep within. To touch the inner energy of your being, to bring awareness what has been unconscious, and make a conscious decision to move forward in a more intentional way. To treat yourself with the utmost care in your mind, your body, your space, your time.

Even if nothing changes physically, at least there can be a change in perspective. To come away with a new outlook. Most times, I am just reminded how sacred my health really is and what a privilege it is to live a pain free life most days.

Also, I know I talk about growth a lot. I’ve found that if I’m not actively growing, I’m decaying in some way. If not advancing, stagnating. This is a daily practice of intentional decisions in alignment with goals requiring devotion. I do love the word discipline and commitment, but I’ve opted for a more loving perspective of being devoted to the being you are, the goals you have and the life you live, rather than the occasional punishing perspective of discipline. Of course, I am not perfect, and I am implementing this with grace and compassion for myself as I slip in and out of intentional consciousness with every decision I make all day (HAH! It’s exhausting at times).

Edit on 6.17.25

In the few weeks since being sick and going through this portal, I find myself returning to my cocoon. I feel this next era of myself coming at me and I am doing my best to manage change, not just in one area of my life, but everywhere I turn. I am realizing that even my language illuminates my perspective, that this new era is coming at me, rather than me running towards it. To be honest, there is some intimidation about everything changing, even though I know that there are new good things coming. This process of change requires so much grace, compassion, self love, and being really diligent with focusing on the good. I am committed to celebrating every little win no matter how small. I am committed to confronting this new reality head on, and realizing that the things I’ve set out to do, can be nourishing and joyful, not just draining. I’m choosing to focus on the things that support me, fuel me in the direction that I want to go and make me feel more like myself. I have faith that the unknown holds goodness that I’ve never experienced.

The real point of this whole post is to be conscious of the ways that we can take the best care of ourselves, physically, mentally, spiritually, and how we can set ourselves up for success to live the life we really want to live. How can we take our happiness into our own hands, regardless of circumstances? How can we alchemize even the most uncomfortable experiences to be for our benefit? How can we stay committed to a new version of ourselves and a new reality? That’s why I see sickness as a portal.

P.S. I want to continue to explore the questions that I’ve posed, this is only the beginning of the journey.

Thank you for being here, I love you deeply.

If you’re interested in what else I do check me out on Instagram and TikTok (@gardensprites) for more spiritual, art, fashion content and my website is thankyou-goodmorning.squarespace.com for everything else.

I’m open for tarot readings again, my fractured finger has recovered and I can shuffle again. There is a google form on my website, and a link to my email if you have any questions.

It is a pleasure to facilitate bringing creative ideas, dreams, and goals to life, and I will do whatever I can to help you live the life that feels best to you.

Much Love and With Gratitude,

Dylan Ellery Anderson